Aproximately two months ago, I was filled with the idea to start a blog. If you know me very well I’m sure you are as surprised by this as I was myself. I am not what I would consider the “blogging type”. For one, I am a fairly private person. I don’t typically share details of my life with anyone except for close friends and family. It’s not necessarily that I want to hide anything, I just don’t really like talking about myself. Also, I am not a great writer. It has never really been something I have enjoyed doing. That is, at least, until a couple years ago when I began journaling, but that was more for personal reflection and I never intended for it to be read by anyone else.
For these reasons I kept trying to push this thought away and ignore what I felt was a crazy idea. It just wasn’t working. Every time I began feeling down, I heard a voice getting progressively louder saying “write it down”, “share it with others”, “start a blog”. After going through Priscilla Shirir’s. “Discerning the voice of God” study, I began to wonder if this idea was from God. Was it maybe a way God wanted to use me? I started praying about it but was filled with thoughts such as…
“I’m not a good writer”
“Lots of people have experienced this pain. My story is nothing special”
“No one wants to read about my life”
“I’m a mess and not handling anything well how am I supposed to help someone else”
Despite these thoughts and my resistance, God continued to guide me in this direction. So here we are and here is the story of my recent struggle with infertility and miscarriage…
Almost two years ago, in July of 2017, my husband and I decided to begin trying to grow our family. We had been married for three years and felt ready for this next step. I stopped my birth control which I had been taking since I was fifteen. At this time I was twenty seven years old. I didn’t expect to get pregnant right away, knowing that being on birth control for 12 years would cause some issues, but I didn’t anticipate the trouble we would experience. Over the next several months my cycles became irregular and grew longer and longer. I knew chances were I was not ovulating so I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist. My first visit with her was in April of 2018. She ran some blood work which all came back normal and started me on a medication called provera to induce a period.
Soon after this, I was scheduled for a hysterosalpingogram which is a procedure where radio-opaque material is injected into the cervical canal and x-ray images are taken of the pelvis to evaluate the uterus and ensure the fallopian tubes are patent. Fortunately the results of this test were normal so we could advance to the next step of taking medication to assist my body to ovulate.
Over the next few months, I continued taking Provera to induce a period (because I never start on my own apparently) and began taking clomid to help me ovulate. The first dose of clomid was not quite strong enough so it was increased. Also it’s important to note that because I was not ovulating and had to take Provera to induce cycles, I was only even having the chance of ovulating and therefore “trying” every one and a half to two months instead of every month.
After a few cycles (and about one year of trying to conceive), we found the right dose of clomid and lo and behold, I got pregnant. I found out I was pregnant 8/18/18. I didn’t truly believe the first test so I took two more back to back. I was SO thrilled and filled with emotion. I cried (tears of joy of course) and praised God right then and there in the bathroom. We had been praying for this moment for some time. I tested on a Saturday morning while my husband was still sleeping and managed to keep it a secret from him until he returned from work at 10 pm that night. I surprised him with a literal “bun in the oven” complete with a banner saying “Baby P coming April 2019”. He was shocked and extremely excited as well. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the initial look on his face when he realized he would soon be a daddy.
A mere eight days later, our excitement turned into concern and worry. We had just arrived home from church and I was getting ready for work when I noticed I was bleeding. My heart sank and I just yelled for my husband. He held me and tried to reassure me but in that moment nothing could ease my anxious thoughts. I still had to carry on with my day and go to work which was extremely difficult. As soon as I arrived home from work I called the after hours number for my doctor and talked with her nurse. She encouraged me to come into the clinic the next day to have my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels drawn. I went in early that morning and then went shopping with my mom and sister as I had already planned. They did not know we were pregnant at the time and It was so difficult not being able to tell them the anxiety I was feeling. Unfortunately the initial HCG level doesn’t really tell you anything until you return in 48 hours for a repeat test. HCG levels should almost double every 48 hours. When I returned in 2 days, my levels had nearly doubled and by that time I had stopped bleeding. I was reassured that some bleeding can be normal in the first trimester, and unless it returned I should just return to clinic for my scheduled ultrasound in a couple weeks. I was relieved to hear this and able to better enjoy my birthday which was the next day. My husband baked me a cake, as he has the past few years, and I specifically remember my wish/prayer before blowing out candles was that I would have a safe and healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.
Unfortunately, this wish did not come true. A couple weeks later, on the week of our scheduled first visit, I again began bleeding. I had woken up early that morning for a work meeting then drove to the Mazda service center due to some recalls on my car. While there, I noticed things weren’t quite right. I called the nurse yet again and was advised to come on in to the clinic for an ultrasound. My husband did not have to go into work until later so he was able to pick me up and accompany me. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so nervous in my life as I was sitting in that waiting room. My husband prayed for us which eased my mind somewhat. It was at this ultrasound that we discovered our baby had stopped developing. After learning this, it seemed that everything was in slow motion. I didn’t feel like I could move or think. I really just wanted to wake up from the nightmare. This couldn’t be happening to us. I actually kept my composure (I think because I was in shock) until we sat in the doctors office waiting to hear the next steps. This is when I broke down. She explained that I might need to take medication to make sure everything was expelled but wouldn’t need a D&C at this point. They drew my HCG levels and then I would return in a couple of days to make sure they were trending down.
The emotions you experience with a miscarriage are unlike any other. We were devastated. We had already discussed names and had decided how we were going to tell our family and now we were left with a hole in our hearts and questions about the future. Instead of experiencing the exciting moment of telling family we were expecting, we had to call them with this news. My husband was unable to take off work that day so I was left at the house by myself. Thankfully my parents and sister came over to mourn with me. That same day I also revealed the news to a few close friends. A couple of whom had experienced miscarriage as well. Talking with them was somewhat encouraging.
I wasn’t planning on sharing with everyone but after talking to a few coworkers, I realized it was therapeutic to talk about it and that infertility and miscarriage are extremely common and deserve to be talked about. Women need to know that they’re not alone and that it is ok to take the time needed to mourn. I then shared on facebook and received an amazing outpouring of love. I had several friends bring me flowers. One friend (who has experienced miscarriage) bought me an angel of hope figurine which I truly treasure. Another friend bought me a necklace with a picture of a mountain to remind me that the God of the Valley is the same as the God on the mountain. I also received multiple calls and texts. God really showed me how blessed I am with the amazing people in my life and the importance of Christian friends when dealing with heartache.
That weekend I took a medication called cytotec to make sure everything was expelled. Honestly, not much happened that weekend but when I returned for more lab work my HCG had dropped significantly. Unfortunately, it took a full month for my levels to reach zero as they want before being able to begin trying again.
A few weeks after the miscarriage, I began experiencing right lower quadrant pain. I called to tell the nurse and she mentioned returning for another ultrasound. I was really determined to avoid going back into that ultrasound room until I was pregnant again so I decided to just monitor it at that point. The pain progressively got worse to the point of hurting to walk and I had to give in and return for an ultrasound. Turns out I had a 5cm ovarian cyst. The doctor suggested birth control to try to shrink the cyst but said that it could take 2-3 months. This of course was not what we were wanting to hear but we decided to follow her advice and go in this direction.
On November 15th, I returned for another ultrasound to see if the cyst was gone and it was!! I was so thankful to finally hear some good news. However, I was then informed that due to the birth control, my uterine lining was now extremely thin. It was approximately 2mm and typically needs to be at least 8mm for anything to be able to implant. Because of this, starting back on clomid was not a good option. She then wanted to start me on a new medication, Tamoxifen, which would help thicken the wall and still help me ovulate. I was so hopeful that we would be pregnant again soon.
When I first realized the tamoxifen (at the initial dose) was not effective in assisting with ovulation I didn’t handle it very well. I was impatient and ready to be pregnant right then. I think part of this was hormones and part was a hope that getting pregnant again would somehow distract from the pain of our loss. However, I had been praying that God would not let me get pregnant yet if my body wasn’t ready and if it would end in another miscarriage. I prayed that he would spare me from that pain again so I tried to believe this was an answered prayer.
After discovering the tamoxifen was not effective, the dose was then doubled and this time I returned to clinic in the middle of my cycle to see if the medication had created a follicle. Because there was a dominant follicle, I then gave myself a shot, ovidrel, to trigger the follicle to release an egg or in other words induce ovulation. I continued to do this for the next few cycles until I had a very messed up cycle that is hard to explain. I returned for an ultrasound as I had in the previous months but this time I had no dominant follicle and my uterine lining was still extremely thin. After almost 20 days of taking estrogen the lining only reached about 5mm. Again it needs to be at least 8 for an embryo to implant. My doctor explained to me that she felt it was time to see the fertility clinic. I scheduled an appointment with them when I returned home and that brings us to today, waiting anxiously to see the fertility specialist and hoping/praying they have more interventions in their arsenal to help us start a family.
To say the past year (in particular) has been hard would be a vast understatement. It has been filled with doctors visits, multiple ultrasounds, lab draws, medications (that make me break out, make me more emotional, and give me headaches), shots, surging hormones, frustrations, disappointments, tears, and lots and lots of prayers. Not to mention it is a pretty expensive process.
I am not alone in this struggle. Many women struggle with infertility and about twenty five percent experience miscarriage. I never really expected myself to be in this club but here I am. Infertility and miscarriage are hard. Every pregnancy announcement hurts. Every baby shower hurts. Passing the baby section in Target hurts. Sitting in church around happy, growing families hurts. Every passing holiday that I STILL don’t have a baby in my arms or belly hurts. Every question (from those that don’t know) about when we’re going to have kids hurts.
God has been faithful though. He has blessed me with an amazing support system, loving husband, comfort in the most needed times, unexpected blessings, and an amazing doctor (if you are in the central Arkansas area and looking for an OB/GYN, Dr. Jennings at the Woman’s Clinic and her nurse are AMAZING). God has taught me so much throughout this time and in some ways this pain has brought me closer to him. I know he has a plan for me and I know his ways are higher than my ways.