Today marks two years that I’ve been divorced. I have debated on writing about this because It is a very personal and sensitive topic. I feel called, however, to share just a little bit, in the hopes that it might help or encourage someone else. I have always been a very private person, but with everything that has occurred in my life in the past few years I am realizing that sharing is helpful both for myself and for others. This is what we as God’s community are meant for. As I write this, I want to ensure that I do so in a way that is appropriate and respectful of my ex. Also this is a very emotional post to write so please be kind with any comments
It seems almost impossible that it has been two years since my life changed in a major way. In some ways it feels like it’s been merely a few months and in others that day feels like it was many years ago. As I have approached this anniversary, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection. This has been two of the hardest years I’ve ever had to face but have also been years of exponential learning and growth. While going through the divorce, I worked incredibly hard to try to save my marriage. I found counselors and marriage intensives. I spent hours every day in prayer. I spent countless hours pouring my heart out to my ex and trying to reconnect. I even kept a journal of letters to him during our separation that I gave to him after he officially filed. I sought wise counsel from friends and even held a day of fasting/prayer with some of the best prayer warriors I know. No matter what I tried it wasn’t working. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t make decisions for my ex, and I couldn’t make him listen to and accept truth. I couldn’t make him be a man of his word and hold to his vows. Ultimately, I couldn’t force him to seek help and healing from his traumas and the mental turmoil he was apparently facing. I fought harder for this than I’ve ever fought for anything and I’m really proud of myself. I have no regrets in that process and I’m incredibly thankful for that.
Once the divorce was official, I was able to begin healing and moving on. I dove into trying to take advantage of this time and learn more about myself, find new things I love, and begin moving on with my life. I went to a divorce care class for 3 months. I attended personal counseling for several months. I spent time with friends and family every chance I got and even made some new friends from this specific circumstance. I read encouraging/inspirational books. I did some updates to my house and yard. I taught myself how to wakeboard and began painting and getting in touch with my creative side. I began exercising more and focusing a little more on my health. I began learning about medical aesthetics and I’m currently in the process of learning how to golf. Most importantly, I spent time with God, trying to determine what he wanted me to learn from this season and putting my trust in him because honestly that’s all I could do.
Please don’t hear me saying that I was a fantastic christian, kept a positive attitude the entire time, and knew just what to do. Quite the opposite actually. I struggled. Combining Infertility, miscarriage, my moms diagnosis, divorce, and just a year ago the loss of my mom, I felt like God had completely abandoned me. There were days it was all I could do just to get out of bed. I cried more than I would like to admit. I questioned God. I yelled and even cursed at God. There were days I decided it wasn’t worth praying because, in my limited human mind, I didn’t think it was doing any good. I was not always nice to family and friends who were just trying to be there for me. It was hard to focus at work and my poor coworkers had to carry the extra weight some days. And ya’ll there were days that I wanted to take my own life. So when I say I struggled I mean it. It was hard.
But God is faithful and he has brought me this far. I can honestly say he has provided me strength some days that can only be from him. He has given me peace when it didn’t even really make sense. He has welcomed my screams, cries, and doubts and loved me through it. He has given me friends to walk this road with. He has provided what I needed to get through each day, even if it was just enough. He has given me some sense of joy each day to motivate me to keep going. He has continued molding me into who he wants me to be. He has spoken to me in ways that I had never experienced before, and he continues to write on my heart that I am enough. He cherishes me and accepts me just as I am, even on the days I don’t act like I cherish him. He sees me as his beautiful, beloved, and valuable daughter when I see myself as unloveable, hopeless, and broken beyond repair. He informs me that my heart might be broken, but I am not.
Divorce is hard and it is ugly even when it goes fairly smoothly. This isn’t how God intended it at all. For a long time I took a lot of the burden on myself thinking I had let God down, but he has spoken to me (through many means) that it was not my fault and he does not blame me. He has released me of the guilt of divorce and that has lifted a great weight.
In July 2020, just a couple months after my divorce, I wrote my feelings at the time in my journal writing “I have had many ups and downs. I have felt weak yet strong, depressed yet happy, hopeless yet hopeful, defeated yet overcoming, faithless yet faithful, worn down/exhausted yet refreshed, insecure yet confident, embarrassed yet proud, unloved yet loved, alone yet comforted, isolated yet surrounded, ugly yet beautiful, and useless yet with a story to tell.” This may sound very confusing if you haven’t been through these types of life changing events, but this was very much so how I felt on a day to day basis.
I wouldn’t want to go through the past four years of my life again, but looking back I can see how God has used this season to help me grow. I have discovered new joys and hobbies. I have developed a deeper and more dependent relationship on God because there are times he’s all I’ve had. I’ve developed a stronger relationship with friends (both old and new). I am so much stronger and actually much more confident than I was before. I’m a totally different person than I was 2 years ago, but I am proud of the woman I’ve become. These years of heartache have also opened up this opportunity and vessel to share my faith and hopefully encourage others. I can now clearly see that in an odd way this was really a blessing.
If you have been through or are going through a divorce or another similar heartache please don’t give up (and I mean on yourself, life, or God). I can tell you from personal experience satan will try to tear you down and make you quit. He will throw lies at you and try to distract you from what’s important. I encourage you to lean into God. Stay in his word, pray without ceasing even when you aren’t quite getting the answers you want, surround yourself with positive friends, and focus on what is healthy for you. Your story may look totally different than what you ever expected (I know mine does) but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be beautiful. God is faithful and life is worth living.
Psalm 34:18 “The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”
2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”