Since my last several posts I have received a lot of feedback about how positive and strong I’ve been, how inspiring my faith is, or how well I’ve handled this difficult time. I appreciate the encouraging responses and while this is how I aim to react to these trials, I’m afraid that’s not always the case. Most days I do pretty well and feel happy and hopeful. Then my period starts or I see a negative pregnancy test or I return from a fertility appointment in which I discover I didn’t even ovulate (as was the case about a week ago) and I fall hard and fast. Many times I feel like infertility is a silent struggle (until you start blogging about it at least). Outside of a few friends who insist on knowing my true emotional state at all times, I try not to let people see just how down and depressed I feel on those days. So many emotions course through me during those times such as sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, anxiety, and jealousy just to name a few. Add on the worry of a parent fighting cancer and it is easy to spiral into a dark place. As I have mentioned multiple times, so many go through these struggles and I am not seeking sympathy or trying to insinuate that I’m the only one having a tough time. I just think it’s important to be real and discuss the raw moments of infertility and pregnancy loss.
Just recently I’ve had moments of hiding behind my sunglasses quietly crying at the pool while watching families with young kids play, crying on the way home from a trip with friends and their kids as it was a constant reminder, and sitting on the floor of my shower weeping and feeling so alone. Thankfully these days/moments don’t last long but they are definitely present every month.
Most Sundays, when feeling down, I struggle with going to church as it is for some reason the hardest place to be at times. I don’t know if this is due to just being surrounded by families with children, frequent baby shower announcements, or just the feeling of needing to visit with people when I’m honestly not in the social mood. Either way sometimes it’s just hard.
I constantly think about what age and milestone our baby would be at had we not miscarried. I wonder would it have been a boy or a girl? Would he/she have thick black hair like my husband or green eyes like me? How would my niece and nephew interact with him/her? How would life be different now? Oh how I wish I wasn’t having to wonder.
I feel guilt and shame knowing that I am the problem and the one keeping us from being able to get pregnant right now. I have moments of hoping my husband isn’t frustrated with me or resenting me for having a body that just doesn’t function like it should.
I become jealous easily when I see others announcing their pregnancy or having multiple kids. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, but it also just doesn’t seem fair. Why does it come so easily for some and is a long term struggle for others?
I want to scream when people make comments such as “it will happen when it’s supposed to happen” and “you just need to have faith and be patient”. Although I know they have good intentions and are ultimately right, this comment is not helpful.
It is very frustrating praying harder than I ever have before just to be told no or at least not yet, again and again and again. I am constantly back and forth between being angry and frustrated with God to reminding myself how blessed I am and that God sees the bigger picture and has a plan for me. I then become hopeful.
It is in all of these moments that I feel God is holding me and molding my faith. With every passing month he is teaching me patience and trust in his plan. With each tear he is showing me his ability to comfort those who are brokenhearted. On days I struggle to make it to church he is teaching me that I should desire him more than I desire a baby. With each friend that reaches out to me, he is teaching me of the type of friend I also need to be. I have spent a lot of time in study and communication with him in the last two years and I am more than thankful for the deepening of our relationship. I know God has a plan for me and these lessons are a part of it.
-Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
-Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the lord”
-Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”